It’s Home Renovating, Not Home Wrecking

How you and your partner can stay sane (and in a relationship) in the midsts of a renovation

By Kaitlyn Hardy

Artwork by Thomas Doyle

A home renovation is all about growth and renewal, although the disagreements that arise in its midst can sometimes create the opposite. Yet a renovation should build upon a home and a family, not break it down.

It’s no doubt a home renovation is a stressful time—money is strained, living spaces are cramped, your head is pounding from the drilling and hammering, and sawdust and debris send you into a dust storm the likes of the Dust Bowl. But before you let tensions arise and arguments take over, we brought in three experts to help you stay sane during the home renovation process (a.k.a. marital fortitude test). And while they may not be licensed therapists, they’ve experienced numerous home renovation failures and successes, and they know what does (and doesn’t) work.

Plan you priorities

“Ninety-nine percent of the time [spouses] want different things out of their renovation,” says Marialisa Zywotchenko, owner of Cyrus Contracting in Katonah. “Wives usually want to spend their money on sexy items like wallpaper and high-end tile, while husbands care more about lighting or speaker systems.”

Preferences like this tend to play into our personal desires, and while there’s no issue in giving into our indulgences (surround-sound speakers that mimic an IMAX movie theater or a vanity mirror that could be straight from Versailles do sound incredible), a home renovation should satisfy each family member, rounding out a home rather than singular, separate spaces.

So, before even contacting contractors, spouses and family members should have a considerate and empathetic conversation to discuss their personal needs and how a renovation could affect or benefit their day-to-day activities. If one person in the family does most of the cleaning, the other should consider how additions like a backsplash in a kitchen or a clawfoot bathtub could complicate this. If one spouse works from home while the other goes into the office, then think about how the changes could impact their workspace. Having these conversations before making decisions will result in a smoother process all around, including for your professionals.

“Sometimes it’s really awkward for me; I don’t want to be a marriage counselor,” jokes Zywotchenko.

Leslie Karas, designer at Willow Furniture & Design in Bedford Hills, suggests each individual make a list of their wants and needs for their “new” home. Then, set a time to share the lists with each other and whittle down the items into a singular list of shared—or at least understood—priorities.

And include art on your list because the same arguments occur, according Rita Baunok, owner and curator of Chroma Fine Art Gallery in Katonah. However, while the layout and structure of your home should prioritize safety and comfort, “art should be something that gives you joy,” she says.

Finding a style you both can enjoy and the perfect piece (or pieces) in that style could take time, so don’t rush to have something hanging on the wall when the renovation is complete.

“I think [collecting art] is a process that should be done for years or decades,” says Baunok. “Every time you travel or find something you love, add it to your collection. That makes home home.”

“Slighting” mixed media sculpture, 2010.

Regardless of “sides”, think about practicality

Sometimes the decisions are not about one spouse “winning” over the other but simply a matter of practicality.

“There was a husband who was insistent on a urinal in the master bathroom, and I had to explain that it was not a good use of money or space,” Zywotchenko recalls. “His wife and I kind of ganged up on him to the point where he had to let it go.”

Not all disagreements resolve this simply, however. Two years ago, while working on a couple’s floors, Zywotchenko had to break it to the wife that the design and color of the floors she wanted was simply not possible.

“The husband was kind of on my team and getting angrier and angrier with her for throwing money at a look that couldn’t be achieved,” she recalls. “I want my clients to be overjoyed and thrilled with the end result, but there is a realistic factor to what can be achieved.”

Even before considering structural or decorative renovations, think about the health of your house. For example, make sure your roof is in good condition before working on the rooms under it, and your plumbing, electrical and HVAC are up to date before redoing the walls and cabinets holding them in.

“Form follows function,” says Karas. “To be comfortable and feel safe, everything has to function properly, and then the rest falls into place.”

Listen to the professionals

No offense, but our professionals may know a little more about home and design than you; use their expertise to your advantage. It can prevent hours (or days) of fighting, as long as you don’t go too heavy on the “I told you so’s.”

“When I deliver art, I usually offer to hang it for them,” says Baunok. “It’s happened so many times where I show [a couple] how to mix up the artwork and the hanging, and they love what I show them.”

Similarly, Karas says Willow Furniture & Design offers complimentary design services for their clients. Designers, such as herself, will review the space, draw up floor plans for new furniture and decor, and use their professional eye to create a plan that makes sense and looks good.

So hire a contractor, designer or consultant that tells you the truth, no matter how hard it may be. Pointing out flaws in your renovation and design plans will save you from endless arguments and less hassle in the long run, not to mention costly changes when the other finally realizes they were wrong.

“With all my clients, I have to sit down with them and tell them what makes sense and what doesn’t make sense, not just from an aesthetic view, but also in terms of proper procedures and protocols,” says Zywotchenko.

Manage your expectations

Part of “The Culminating Point” series, 2015.

“I think my job, in its truest form, is to manage people’s expectations,” says Zywotchenko.

So turn off the HGTV and put down the Architectural Digest. Shows and photo books that whittle the home renovation process down to a 30-minute television episode or several pages of photographs neglect to share the real challenges, such as creating a realistic budget and sticking to it, or the time it takes to put a renovation or design project into motion.

In reality, there are arguments over finances, how to best use the space, the crowds of people working in your home for months at a time, and how you’re using your home (or the cramped rental if you moved out) during the renovation. It’s a stressful process, and the smallest thing can be the last straw in your spouse’s day or week. But, once again, advanced preparation can help here.

“Set 10 percent of your budget aside because stuff always pops up, or you’ll change your mind, or you’ll get excited and add stuff,” Zywotchenko advises.

Last-minute additions should generally be avoided, but since reality dictates they will happen, setting aside some of your budget provides cushioning for any money-related arguments that may arise with last-minute changes or decisions.

To prepare for the renovation, Zywotchenko gives her clients a “What to Expect When You’re Renovating” document outlining decisions such as budget, daily updates and how involved the clients should be with each decision.

Similarly, Baunok leaves clients’ prospective art pieces hanging in their home for a few days before they complete the transaction.

Precautions like this—looking at blueprints or 3D drawings of possible changes, as well as agreeing on a style of furniture and art—give you time to have calm conversations so each family member or spouse can feel truly comfortable in their newly renovated space, rather than one person (or both) holding in their anger during the project or resentment after the fact.

Opposites attract

When it comes to design, Baunok and Karas praise mixing styles when possible. Mixing artistic styles, colors and even picture frames makes for a much more compelling space than an individual piece of art or a singular style. Plus, it also provides a compromise for couples and families with varying artistic preferences.

“When you mix art, I think it makes a home much more homey,” says Banouk.

But sometimes, the problem isn’t even choosing art; its what to have in the first place. One side of the relationship may want something bright and daring while the other prefers calm, neutral tones with empty, or mostly empty, walls. According to Karas, both can be possible.

“Keep the bigger pieces, such as couches, tables and cabinetry, in neutral tones,” Karas recommends. “Bring in your color with the decor—the pillows, accessories, throw pillows, artwork.”

Items like these are easier to change in and out compared to large furniture, and they can even be replaced seasonally, dotting your home with warm tones in the autumn and fall, bright colors in the spring and cool tones in the summer.

Home renovations are exciting—watching change happen before your eyes, seeing your home modernize years within the span of a few months, and adding items and luxuries you’ve dreamed of. But let’s not sugarcoat it; they can also be very stressful. Admittedly, it’s difficult to completely absolve the stresses of a home renovation, but hopefully our experts eliminated some of the arguments that could put a wrench in your plans. And if all else fails, just give in.

“Right now I have four clients, and I will say that the husbands in all four have taken a total back seat and are just like, ‘Whatever she wants,’” says Zywotchenko.

Baunok adds, “My husband lets me do whatever I want.”

This article was published in the March/April 2025 edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.