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Writing  by Luz Michelle

Artwork by Justin Negard

Dear Luz,

My ex refuses to move out. I broke up with him over a month ago, but he just won’t leave.When I ask him when he’s moving out, he says he hasn’t found a place yet. I’ve tried everything—being really annoying, giving him the silent treatment and not cleaning up after myself—but nothing seems to work. How do I get rid of him?

– Ready to move on

Dear Moving on,

I can’t seem to shake off that Billy Joel tune, “Movin’ Out.”  But seriously, take a deep breath, and let’s chat.

Remember who you are, my dear friend, and straighten that crown of yours. Enough with the “annoying” and “not cleaning up after ourselves” excuses. I’m sensing you’re better than this; don’t let someone else’s actions define yours.

Set a date, start packing some boxes and call his boys to come help him out. It’s time to schedule your ex’s move-out date—no ifs, ands or buts about it. Reclaim your space and step into your newly proclaimed power. You got this!

Dear Luz,

Help! I need a new hiding spot. My kids are old enough to come look for me in the bathroom,

and my husband recently discovered me crouching in the closet. Where do I go now? I love my family dearly, but sometimes I just need a few minutes away to regain my sanity (and scroll through Insta). Where can I hide so they won’t find me?

– My family is A LOT

Dear mama,

Get a lock.

Dear Luz,

I’m in high school, and I finally have a girlfriend. But my parents are pissed. She’s smart, nice

and funny (a triple threat!), but they say they always thought I’d “marry someone different.” Like really? I’m literally in high school! I’m not  walking down the aisle anytime soon! How do I get them to chill and let me live my life?

– Not actually in love

Hey lovebird,

Looks like you’ve already set sail on the “I’ve got this, Mom” boat. Bravo on claiming your future; not everyone has the self-awareness or guts to do that. Instead of tip-toeing around like a secret agent, how about having a heart-to-heart with your parents? Speaking from a parental perspective, I’d be thrilled to hear that my child is focused on living life to the fullest before diving into marriage. Share your dreams, aspirations and goals with your parents; let them in on the masterpiece you’re painting before you even think about tying the knot. 

Trust me, with a little help, we parents eventually come around.

Dear Luz,

I’ll just be blunt. My kid is F-A-T, fat! I’m not talking about a cute, little pudgy belly he’ll outgrow in a few years. I’m talking fat. He’s almost 13, and all he does is sit around playing video games. I can’t get him to exercise, he refuses to eat healthy foods, and at his recent annual checkup, the doctor expressed real concern for his health. But he seems to think he’s invincible. We model healthy eating and exercising at home, but he just doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to fat-shame him, but I am really worried. How do I get him to become a healthier person?

– I love my son

Hey there, Momma Bear,

Let’s start by tossing out the name-shaming handbook, shall we? It’s 2024, and we’re all about embracing every size and shape—big is beautiful, mama! And remember, words carry weight.

Now, about those video games—they’ve come a long way since the days of Pac-Man. How about surprising your son with a whole new world of gaming—ones that get him off the couch and moving? Here are a few to get you started:

Beat Saber: A rhythm game that relies on pulsing music and coordinated movements, challenging you to “slash” the beats as they fly towards you. 

Creed: Rise to Glory: Get your son in the virtual ring, where he’ll work up a sweat learning how to box. Bonus: The bruises are also virtual. 

Wii Sports: With five different options (baseball, boxing, golf, bowling and tennis), there’s bound to be at least one he’ll like.

Just Dance: This vibrant game has amassed hundreds of millions of users for a reason. And it’s even part of Olympic Esports. I’m coming over to play this one! 

These are just a few examples – but there are so many more. Maybe you’ll even join him? So, hop on the “I got your back, baby boy” train and leave the harsh judgment behind in the station.

This article was published in the May/June 2024 print edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.

Luz Michelle

Luz Michelle has channelled her unique life experiences and background into a successful comedy career, gracing stages such as Caroline's, Gotham Comedy Club, The Stand, The NY Underground Comedy Festival, The North Carolina Comedy Festival and more, with her malapropisms and unique style. As Founder of Hard Headed Comedy™, a comedy entertainment company, Luz produces live and streamed showcases featuring a diverse mix of established and up-and-coming comedic talent.