New Year, New Us

Writing by Ana Dorta

Designed by Justin Negard

In 2025, focus on improving your friendships.

A companion to embark on wild adventures to new places. A confidant to hold you when you feel hopeless. No, we’re not talking about an intimate partner or a spouse; we’re talking about friends.

Friends serve an incredibly important purpose in our lives. They are a solace from stress, a reminder of good and cultivators of moments we hold dear. While most of us are aware of their importance, that doesn’t always mean we place friendship at the top of our priority list. And that’s to our great disadvantage.

“We’re social beings, generally,” says Dr. Lorraine Innes, psychiatrist and founder of TMS of Westchester in Mount Kisco. “Having people who are there for us, who we know we can count on, and who we have commonality with, all of that is helpful for our mental health.”

Psychologist Marc Abrams, Ph.D., who also has a practice in Mount Kisco, says researchers have found a recent shift in the emphasis we place on friendship.

“Throughout human existence, our interpersonal connectedness has been fundamental to our physical and psychological well-being,” he explains. “One of the most interesting changes over the last 10 to 20 years is the amount of time people spend face-to-face with others. In-person human interaction has been supplanted by time spent online.”

Abrams suggests that sending your friend a funny movie clip might not be sufficient. Instead, he suggests actually sitting with your friend and watching the movie. Why? Those in-person interactions include verbal and nonverbal communication that is easy to misinterpret over email, text or video. For example, a joke made digitally might make you angry or frustrate you, but in person, you would share a laugh together.

How connection helps your brain

There are a multitude of scientifically-backed benefits to our brain when we spend time with friends. According to a 2023 article from the American Psychological Association (APA), having friends can:

1. Boost happiness.
2. Create an increased sense of belonging.
3. Encourage you to engage with your community.
4. Help you cope with difficult situations.
5. Improve habits, such as healthier eating, exercise and engagement with the community.
6. Improve motivation.
7. Improve self-confidence.
8. Lower stress.
9. Reduce anxiety.
10. Reduce the risk of premature death.

And if you’ve read this far, but your depression and/or anxiety makes you dread connecting with friends, Abrams and Innes want you to know that friendships can also be medicinal.

“The expression misery loves company matters,” Abrams says. “If we are not feeling 100 percent, whether we feel down or anxious about something, there’s nothing like having that real communication with someone; it gives you a chance to be heard.”

Or, if your mental health is okay but you know a friend is struggling, consider being that person who helps them heal.

“When people suffer from significant anxiety or depression, they tend to withdraw,” Innes explains. “It’s very helpful when the people around them notice that and reach out, instead of assuming the person is just being difficult or unavailable.”

If we’re being honest here (and we are), our ancestors were better at social connections. They talked to strangers instead of staring at their phones.

The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology’s research found that, today, us humans are unnecessarily pessimistic when it comes to talking to strangers, yet that in-person interaction, like any in-person interaction, is beneficial to our health and happiness. However, the more we do it, the more our fear of rejection decreases and the more optimistic we become. So how do we apply this knowledge to our friendships?

Tips and tricks to making (or revitalizing) your friendships

Classrooms and in-person workplaces are often great places to meet like-minded people and maintain friendships. But how do you make or keep friendships when you’re no longer in those communal spaces?

Abrams says intentionality is key.

“If you have a passion, there are always clubs,” he says. “If you like hiking, there are hiking groups; if you like running, there are running groups. There are so many opportunities out there, but you must make the time commitment to exercise your passions and share them with like-minded people.”

And if you are romantically involved with another person, Innes advises you to make sure you continue to carve out time for those friendships. Your friends, she explains, are part of who you are.

“In order to maintain your individual identity, you need to maintain connections with people outside the couple,” she explains. “Going on a girls’ night out or taking a trip away with a friend—these things give you a wider base of support.”

While it may seem like a poor idea to “rank” your friends, it is also important to place more value on and be more intentional about the people in our lives who we feel are most important. Abrams defines these people as our “tribe,” or the people we spend the most time with. For instance, you’ll probably find more benefits if you prioritize time with your lifelong childhood friend over a coworker.

And if you haven’t taken the time to prioritize those friendships, then it might feel a bit awkward at first. That’s okay. It’ll get easier the more you do it.

“I encourage people to think about the practice effect for anything in our lives,” Abrams recommends. “The more we do something, the more acclimated we become to doing it, and the more confident we become when doing it. And if you are not practicing interpersonal connectedness, you may struggle with the relationships you have and become a lot less secure when meeting new people, especially in social settings.”

Still worried about making the first move? Wondering what happens if they don’t reciprocate? Sometimes, you just need to bite the bullet and try. You’ll never know if you don’t.

“Take some risks,” Innes suggests. “I think we have to get out of ourselves and be okay telling people we’re interested. If it’s someone who’s special to you, make sure you’re continuing to tell them how you feel in a variety of ways. Tell them you want to see them. Get their opinion on something. Make them a priority.”

Ready to make that resolution? Start with a list.

Say it with me, “My New Year’s resolution is to prioritize my friendships.” Now get out a piece of paper and a pen (or open the Notes app on your phone) and make a list of six to ten of your closest friends, no matter how long it’s been.

“Reach out to the first two and schedule a face-to-face get-together,” Abrams advises. “Make that a regular event. And do the same for the next two, going down your list until you are done. Make it intentional; make it mindful; make it face-to-face.”

Here’s to 2025 and your revitalized friendships.

This article was published in the January/February 2025 edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.