How to Master Small Talk

And look forward to networking events, holiday parties and more

Writing by Susan Trumpbour

Artwork by Joe Halperin

Ways to make you feel relaxed and less anxious

 Perell has some quick ways to help you relax. One is to really listen to people when they’re talking. Make eye contact and listen intensely; it takes the pressure off of what you might say and the thoughts racing in your head. Remember, you’re there to connect, not to star in a solo performance. This should help dial down your anxiety a notch or two.  

For those pre- and during conversational jitters, Perell says there are some simple stress relief techniques: 

• Trace meridian points: One point is near the hand valley between your thumb and forefinger; try pressing this squishy spot right where it dips. 
• Conscious breathing: Follow the air into your lungs, hold it and then let it out like you’re releasing a balloon full of stress. 
• Tense and release: Tense every muscle in your body, hold for five seconds, let go, and tell yourself, “You’ve got this.”

These self-calming techniques are inconspicuous; you can do them without anyone noticing. And, Perell says, you won’t be the only one; even the Navy Seals have pre-mission tricks.  

Let’s small talk, develop strategies and be well-prepared

Gabrielle Guttman, founder and president of Connext Consulting Inc. and a former Wall Street professional turned entrepreneur/strategic business developer, suggests approaching each small talk situation, whether business or social, with a three-pronged strategy to alleviate anxiety. The concept involves breaking down the interaction into three phases: pre-event, on-site, and post-event. While you might not typically think about these interactions this way, you will be more prepared and, therefore, less anxious. 

Let’s consider a typical scenario: attending a networking event or conference where you are unfamiliar with most attendees, and your aim is to make new connections. Begin with some pre-event groundwork: review the agenda, familiarize yourself with the speakers, and identify the sponsors to help with the on-site conversation. 

Once you arrive, use the registration table as a viable resource. Don’t just grab your badge and rush in; look at other attendees’ names, titles, and companies. Also, engage with the event staff before entering, inquiring about the meeting flow and the expected number and demographic of the participants. This due diligence provides on-site conversation starters and boosts your confidence, making you feel more at ease as you enter the event. 

“When you’re meeting someone new,” Guttman advises, “It’s always beneficial to begin with an introduction or read their name badge and ask open-ended questions like, ‘What brings you to this event?’ or ‘How are you connected to this industry?’ These questions are more engaging than closed-ended ones like, ‘Have you ever been here before?’ which give simple yes or no responses.”  

Name badges with a person’s company on them offer a wealth of information, helping you kickstart and sustain engaging conversations. By embracing this approach and preparing thoroughly, you can transform potentially anxiety-inducing networking events into opportunities and productive interactions.

Conversation starters and how to work the room

Similarly, these tips work wonders for the second scenario, the often dreaded holiday party. You know, the one where you’re the plus one, and you suddenly find yourself playing hide-and-seek with their co-workers. Panic sets in when your partner wanders off to refill their drink. 

Pre-event prep might be trickier here since there’s no grand agenda, but don’t sweat it.  It’s time to channel your inner Sherlock Holmes and get the scoop on who’s who. Who is hosting the party? Is it your partner’s boss? Ask your partner about the size of the party and who will attend. You want the intel on everyone you might meet.  

The same goes for your own company’s holiday party or a friend’s party. Gather details ahead of time so you can prepare. Craft a personal pitch and determine your game plan for attending this party. Are you there to charm your partner’s boss, meet new people, learn new things or score complimentary cocktails?

Then, as you start a conversation, remember it’s not all about you. 

“Think of it as networking—yes, even at a party,” says Guttman. “Talk about your interests, but steer clear of stuff you know nothing about.” 

Stick to happy and upbeat topics.  And, hey, the holidays are perfect for sharing your favorite recipes or what you love doing during the break. 

Perrel says self-care is another excellent topic since it covers many areas. You can talk about different ways to practice self-care and what benefits you or learn about what types are helpful to someone else—it’s a great way to share tips.  

Guttman recommends avoiding getting stuck in a two-person chat. It’s like a conversational black hole; instead, aim for groups where you can blend in. If you’re feeling brave, start by introducing yourself. Usually, others will follow suit, and boom, conversation flows.  

And if someone monopolizes your time, you don’t want to be rude, but you also don’t want to be their new BFF. Guttman suggests keeping eye contact, thanking them for sharing, and setting a follow-up time, if necessary, to reconnect. Then, gracefully excuse yourself by mentioning you spotted someone else you know. Blame it on the other person; it’s a classic.

“The goal is to avoid getting trapped in one conversation,” she says. “You want to work the room like a pro and hop from group to group.”  

Think of yourself as the social butterfly of the holiday party, spreading cheer and collecting stories to laugh about later.

Awkward moments and what NOT to say 

Regardless of the scenario, there’s one situation we all dread: getting stuck in the weather chat loop. Yes, we’ve all been there, listening to someone drone on about the rain until everyone’s desperate to escape it. Expert tip from Guttman: Skip it altogether. 

Now, picture the following scenario: You’re surrounded by strangers at your friend’s daughter’s baby shower. Feeling uncomfortable, you freeze, unsure of which direction to turn. Fear not! The fact that you’re all there is your golden ticket. 

“Start with the obvious,” she says. “Ask how you know the family or comment on the venue. Maybe you’ve been here before for another event?” 

Or, talk about the joy (or stress) of finding the perfect baby gift and compare notes on the latest baby gadgets that make you feel ancient.

And let’s also talk about what NOT to say. 

“If you wouldn’t bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner—like politics or religion—definitely don’t bring it up here,” Guttman advises. 

Another topic to avoid is your mental health issues; judgmental statements can be tricky. Perell advises developing curious minds and making your conversation partner wonder about things rather than discuss topics that require firm, complex opinions.

“If someone brings up a personal topic or starts gossiping about a friend,” Perell says, “It’s okay to be honest and say, ‘I’m uncomfortable talking about this topic.’” 

It’s boundary setting, and you have a right to that. 

Similarly, “if you are stuck in a conversation that is not going anywhere,” Guttman suggests, “throw out fun questions like, ‘What shows are you binging these days?’ or ‘Read any good books?’” 

Once you hit on a shared interest, the conversation will spark, and small talk actually turns into a relaxed conversation. You can finally stop sweating bullets.

“Networking is a two-way street,” Guttman explains “The trick is to offer a good recommendation or a suggestion. It makes people feel more at ease and leaves a lasting impression.”

Practice makes perfect

Daily conversations are a stellar way to sharpen your small talk skills. 

“You don’t need the gift of gab,” Guttman encourages. “But you do need to be comfortable engaging in a conversation. It’s a great way to practice. They say you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. It’s not just striking up a conversation, but also about being an active listener.”

Here’s a fun scenario: Talk with your friendly neighborhood barista. Don’t just ask if the coffee is hot—that’s a given.  Try something like, “Got any specialty drinks that won’t make me jittery for a week?” or “What’s the most ridiculous coffee order you’ve ever gotten?” Keep it lighthearted and fun. And add extra talk time if the barista is the owner. You can switch gears to discover interesting facts, such as, “What made you open a coffee shop?”

How to close a conversation gracefully

Closing a conversation is also a skill. As you engage, pay attention to the subtle cues that indicate it’s time to wrap up. Perell recommends imagining what you’d appreciate hearing when it’s time for you to end a conversation and using that as a guide. 

Great closing suggestions might include introducing your conversation partner to someone else or sharing a memorable tidbit from the conversation as a parting thank you. It’s also a good idea to determine if you want to exchange contact information beforehand, which can signal that the conversation is ending.  Finally, express your gratitude and gracefully move along.

Remember, staying engaged and attentive is essential; this way, there is no time to be nervous.

This article was published in the November / December 2024 edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.