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How to use social media in a healthy way

By Susan Trumpbour

Social media—the double-edged sword of our digital age. It’s a modern-day wonderland that grants us access to a world of communication, self-expression and social connection, yet it leaves us vulnerable to a Pandora’s box of cyberbullying, curated content and constant comparison to others. It’s a bittersweet relationship that can make us feel overwhelmed and, let’s face it, exhausted from the endless scrolling as well as deflated and unhappy within mere minutes. Remind me again: Why do we continue this relationship? Let’s face it: If social media was our significant other, we would have shown them the door and said goodbye years ago. 

But social media has some good elements, too, such as helping us connect with our loved ones, close friends and even distant relatives, no matter how far away. It’s also an excellent platform for community news and events, and it provides endless possibilities for discovering new hobbies or interests, knowing the latest, must-watch show or finding the perfect beach read. Plus, social media can even make us LOL—it’s hard to resist those heartwarming pet videos that instantly lift our spirits.

With the right approach, social media can be a fantastic tool to enrich our lives, but of course, as with many things in life, we must exercise caution and control.

“Just like setting fitness goals or sticking to a diet, setting intentions for your usage can be a game changer,” says Leora Trub, a professor at Pace University and head of the school’s Digital Media & Psychology Lab.

But first, we need to understand what can make social media so toxic.

The like to dislike factor

Who knew a simple thumbs-up icon or heart symbol could yield so much power? If we’re not careful, digital gestures can dictate our happiness as we constantly strive for more likes to boost our social status, self-esteem or mental state. It’s almost unfathomable to think how much these symbols can validate one’s worth.

“Offline relationships are all about quality, not quantity,” Trub notes. “There’s nothing quite like enjoying a delicious dinner with a close friend and feeling safe, valued and understood. It’s an experience that’s not quantifiable, but you know the benefits are real—you don’t need to count them. Your shared laughs (remember those in real-time?) confirm the moment’s joy. However, online relationships refer to a simple metric: likes. The number of likes we receive—how many or how few–impacts our feelings about ourselves. This affects us in many ways, including how it impacts the neurotransmitters involved in short-term gratification, meaning, we feel an urge to do what it takes to receive approval and validation from others so we can feel good.”

We must remember that the number of likes or followers we receive does not determine our worth. Our worth is inherent; no amount of digital gestures can change that.

Haidt, along with two colleagues, Zach Rausch (who is also at NYU) and Jean Twenge (at San Diego State University), have co-written an open-source document titled “Social Media and Mental Health: A Collaborative Review.” In it, they explain that even students who don’t use social media can be impacted.

“It may be that a middle-school community changes when many or most of its members get Instagram or Snapchat accounts,” they write. “Kids may become more cruel, fearful, superficial, gossipy, or appearance-obsessed, and this could make many students more depressed and anxious, even if they do not use social media, or use it only lightly.”

They also say that, overall, digital screen use of “one or two hours a day is associated with better outcomes than is zero usage, yet after that, outcomes become worse.” The lowest end of this range is for children who use smartphones (which probably include social media) and the highest end is playing video games.

In his book, Haidt encourages parents to mutually agree to new age restrictions on smartphones and social media. (You can read his suggestions in the sidebar.) He also says it’s important to concentrate on what we know about child development—kids need physical play, to be in touch with other kids and to have independence. So, one of the best ways to help our children escape the social media trap is to guide them to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

The toxic social trap impacting children and teens

The impact of social media on young people’s self-esteem cannot be overstated. In September 2021, The Wall Street Journal published a 14-part exposé on Facebook’s internal research (leaked by a whistleblower) that outlined the platform’s effects on mental health, democracy and human rights, among other topics. In it, we learned that since 2018, Meta has known Instagram harms many teen girls.

Jonathan Haidt, a psychology professor at New York University and author of the new book “The Anxious Generation,” says girls are more influenced by social media than boys because they use it more and have a stronger desire to connect/be a part of a group. He says these platforms target girls as young as 11, focusing on their concerns, fears and motivations. They’ve created algorithms that captivate tweens and teens. In 2023, more than 46 percent of teens reported being online “almost all of the time.” While there, these kids are constantly preyed upon about their insecurities, looks, life and what others say about them.

“It’s unrealistic to expect children to navigate the online world safely when even adults struggle to do so,” says Kristen Karlberg, an assistant professor of Practice, Sociology at Purchase College, SUNY. “The idealized versions of beauty and lifestyles presented on social media can make children vulnerable to comparison and negatively affect their self-esteem. As parents, we need to model good behavior for our children and understand the impact of these algorithms on the way we think, what we like and how much time we should give to social media platforms. It’s a challenging area to monitor, and when you give your children unfettered access to the internet, you need to help them figure out how they should manage it without stigmatizing them.”

Social media, Haidt explains, has caused an increase in youth mental health disorders throughout the world. Everything from anxiety and depression to self-harm and suicide has increased in teens over the last decade, most over 100 percent.

“If you’re giving your 10-year-old a phone, ensure that their first text and post are appropriate,” suggests Karlberg. “Explain that what they put out there in the cyber world can never be taken back, and it’s entirely different from a conversation where you can rephrase your words.”

Karlberg says most social media platforms own posts indefinitely, and your posts will remain there even when you’re gone. So, it’s crucial to help children understand that online actions have lasting consequences.

Haidt, along with two colleagues, Zach Rausch (who is also at NYU) and Jean Twenge (at San Diego State University), have co-written an open-source document titled “Social Media and Mental Health: A Collaborative Review.” In it, they explain that even students who don’t use social media can be impacted.

“It may be that a middle-school community changes when many or most of its members get Instagram or Snapchat accounts,” they write. “Kids may become more cruel, fearful, superficial, gossipy, or appearance-obsessed, and this could make many students more depressed and anxious, even if they do not use social media, or use it only lightly.”

They also say that, overall, digital screen use of “one or two hours a day is associated with better outcomes than is zero usage, yet after that, outcomes become worse.” The lowest end of this range is for children who use smartphones (which probably include social media) and the highest end is playing video games.

In his book, Haidt encourages parents to mutually agree to new age restrictions on smartphones and social media. (You can read his suggestions in the sidebar.) He also says it’s important to concentrate on what we know about child development—kids need physical play, to be in touch with other kids and to have independence. So, one of the best ways to help our children escape the social media trap is to guide them to enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

Gain control, regardless of your age

If you’re still reading, then it’s time to improve your social media habits. People of all ages can benefit from a healthier relationship with their preferred platform(s).

Here are some strategies to help create a positive experience with these digital platforms.

  1. Seek outside guidance. Educate yourself about how to do social media better. Karlberg mentions the following reliable sources that provide information from different POVs: Common Sense Media, Family Online Safety Institute, ConnectSafely and The Realists.
  2. Have phone-free time. “Don’t spend your free time with your family or friends on your phone,” stresses Karlberg. “Have conversations, and if you can’t do that in the beginning, give everyone a chance to pick a topic to discuss when you’re spending time together.”
  3. Set time limits: Decide how much time you want to spend on social media daily and stick to it. Use a timer or an app to help you stay on track. “Pinpoint a time that is right for you,” suggests Trub. “Everyone is different; try tracking yourself, and take notice if, after an hour or at the 45-minute mark, you feel like you are going downhill.” Once your thoughts begin to spiral out of control and invade your mind, set the intention to STOP! This will help you be in control of social media, rather than social media being in control of you.
  4.  Turn off notifications. Constant notifications can be distracting and overwhelming. Turn them off to avoid getting pulled into social media when you need to focus on other things.
  5. Curate your account by following those who post positive content. Follow accounts that inspire and uplift you. Unfollow or mute accounts that make you feel bad about yourself. 
  6. Prioritize real-life connections. Social media can make us feel connected to the people we follow, but are we really? While you may feel connected to the person, if you’re one of numerous followers, they likely don’t know a thing about you. That one-way connection does not benefit you. So, use some of that social media time to create more face-to-face interactions with friends and family. Nurture those relationships.
  7. Disconnect at least 30 minutes before bedtime. Put your mind in “rest mode” and stop scrolling. Instead, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends creating a relaxing routine for yourself, and if you can’t fall asleep after 20 minutes, get up and engage in a quiet activity that doesn’t involve electronics.  
  8. Take a break and unplug. “This is huge,” says Trub. “Take breaks for some period of time, a week, every six months. It’s one way to make sure you are not fully dependent on it. It’s also a good reminder of what life could feel like without it.”

Dry January exists for a reason. Maybe we should consider ending the year with Disconnect December?  It’s the perfect time, since many find it the hardest and most stressful month of the year. Thanks to social media, we can spend “doom scrolling” through everyone’s festive posts, party photos and holiday meals can create FOMO, anxiety or even mild depression. 

Let’s start a new tradition: Step away from our screens for a day, a week or even a month. You can focus on the present moment and appreciate the blessings in your life. You may even feel the true magic of the season and realize your life is complete just as it is. 

Let’s be real 

Remember, social media is just one part of our lives. There is a “real world” out there waiting for you, so use social media to help you get there. 

While you may still like, comment or share virtually, don’t forget  to do the same IRL.

This article was published in the May/June 2024 edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.

Jonathan Haidt’s suggestions for kids to “avoid the social media trap”

Say NO to smartphones before high school.

This would at least get kids through early puberty, where their brains are rapidly rewiring. If they need a phone to connect with family or friends, get them a flip phone.

No social media until they are 16 years old.

Most children have Instagram accounts by sixth or seventh grade because their friends have them. So, if half or most of the kids aren’t on social media, it’s easier to say no.

Fight for phone-free schools.

No more access during class or lunch. Phones should be locked up in school as students walk in, and returned as they leave.

Give children more opportunities for free play and independence.

Restore the play-based childhood where kids meet up after school and interact with one another.

Susan Trumpbour

Susan Trumpbour, a.k.a. ‘Dear Beauty Editor’, has spent over 20 years as a beauty editor, new product development executive and trend consultant. If she isn’t writing about beauty, she’s creating shades and formulas for top cosmetics houses like L’Oréal, Maybelline and Neutrogena. In her spare time, she enjoys hiking the beautiful trails in Bedford, where she lives with her husband, two sons and their white fluffy rescue dog.