A Light in the Darkness

How to support a friend or loved one in need

Writing by Josephine D’Ippolito

Artwork by Tal Doron

In the early morning of March 13, 2023, I found myself in the emergency room, battling an excruciating headache. Twelve hours later, I was diagnosed with bacterial meningitis. It was  terrifying, and the road to recovery was longer than anticipated, with numerous setbacks along the way. Today, a year later, I am immensely grateful to have recovered.

Many friends have since approached me, seeking insight into what genuinely helped during my recovery and admitting uncertainty about whether their gestures of kindness were effective. 

We’ve all wondered about this, haven’t we? How can we best support a friend in need? 

Whether they’re grappling with a daunting medical diagnosis, battling a mental health crisis, going through a divorce or mourning the loss of a loved one, we instinctively want to lend a hand. But how, exactly, do we offer support? 

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The approach should vary depending on the nature of the crisis, the closeness of your relationship, the strength of their support network and their openness to receiving help. 

While navigating this can be challenging, fear not—we’re here to guide you through it. 

In this article, we’ll draw insights from professionals as well as people who have weathered different crises and discovered what was most beneficial for them. 

So, keep reading and get ready to become the most supportive friend imaginable.

Reach out often 

In December 2020, Eloise Bune was dealt the shock of a lifetime when she tragically lost her husband to undiagnosed heart disease. She was left with two young children and no roadmap for navigating this sudden and life-altering experience. 

In the beginning, a flood of texts and calls poured in, and, even if she didn’t reply to them immediately, just hearing from so many loved ones brought comfort. 

“The texts and calls naturally slow down in the months following a tragedy, but people should know that you can never reach out too much,” she explains. “Those friends who continued to stay in touch months later, and who still check in on me today are so impactful.”

Reach out and check in on your friend or loved one, but be careful in how you show support.

“Don’t minimize their problems or tell them how they should feel,” explains Janmarie Brown, the chief program officer at Hope’s Door and a licensed marriage and family therapist. 

Rather than trying to solve their problems, concentrate on active listening, which means you sit quietly, maintain eye contact (if you’re in person) and validate their thoughts and feelings during the conversation. 

“Active listening shows the person that they have your attention and their feelings matter,” says Brown.

According to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, when you engage in active listening—hearing what they are saying and tuning in to their thoughts and feelings—it sends a message that you’re on their side. This will help them relax and talk more freely because they know they won’t be judged for what they are thinking or feeling.

Offer practical support

In the wake of her husband’s passing, amidst the devastating grief, Bune found herself thrust into the daunting task of single-handedly managing her household and caring for her two-year-old-twins. She remembers the immediate, overwhelming daily demands following her loss. 

“I didn’t need more casseroles or flowers,” she remembers. “I needed someone to walk the dog.” 

Bune says she found the “practical support” to be the most helpful. Shock, brain fog, stress, etc. can make it difficult to function, and sometimes, just making it through the day can be a huge accomplishment. Any additional tasks, like dog walking, babysitting or even monthly bill payments can be a challenge. 

I agree with Bune. Reflecting on my own illness, the practical support I received was a lifeline. One of my biggest dilemmas was getting to my frequent doctors’ appointments. I couldn’t drive, and I struggled to process the doctors’ instructions on my own. My husband is a small business owner, so he couldn’t always attend my appointments. Luckily, my friends and family willingly drove and accompanied me when my husband could not; their support was invaluable. 

If you’re unsure about what someone needs, offer a few different options or simply ask. Be direct, explaining that you want to help make their life a little easier. And if you’re unable to provide the support they need, steer them in the direction of someone, something or some place that can.

Connect them to someone who has been there

When someone is grappling with a traumatic life event, whether it be illness, loss or divorce, the experience can be profoundly isolating. As a friend or loved one, you may offer genuine sympathy, but it can be challenging to empathize deeply or be helpful without having endured a similar struggle. 

In such moments, being a supportive friend may involve facilitating a connection with someone who has weathered a similar ordeal. They will understand in a way you may not, and this introduction could be transformative in their healing.

For example, in 2013, Lauren* filed for divorce. With two young children and no family nearby, it was an emotionally taxing time. She found solace with a group of women who were also going through a divorce. 

“My network of friends got me through those days,” she says. “But not in the ways you might think. My pre-divorce friends didn’t stick around; I think my experience was too much for them. But the friends I made during my divorce were there for me. They wanted to hear what happened in court or the latest craziness from my ex; they validated my experiences and gave me the strength to get through those really rough days so I could be there for my children.”

Similarly, while Bune was grieving the sudden loss of her husband, a friend introduced her to Karine Nissim, who had also just tragically lost her husband. They became each other’s pillars of support, guiding one another through their unexpected new realities, and they even started a business venture together (see sidebar).

And in my own journey, I was introduced to someone who had recently experienced and overcome bacterial meningitis. Our conversations about symptoms and hurdles provided me with hope and inspiration as I navigated my own path.

Support the whole family, no matter the crisis 

Michelle* faced her first severe episode of depression in 2019 at the age of 49. At the time, she was juggling the obstacles of her husband’s alcoholism with the challenges of being the primary caregiver to her teenage son, who required considerable care while recovering from major surgery.  It wasn’t until her hospitalization  that she discovered her grandmother and uncle had both committed suicide.

“It was in my genetic makeup, but I made it  to 49 until I was triggered,” she explains.

She was admitted to New York Presbyterian Hospital for several weeks, and over the subsequent four years, she found herself in and out of eight hospitals as she struggled to gain control of her depression. One of her hospital stays lasted for months, and she feared she might never return home. 

In 2023, Michelle finally learned she was medication-resistant, which prompted her to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT); it was a pivotal moment in her recovery. Michelle is immensely grateful for her support system and the crucial role her friends played in caring for her family during her extended hospitalizations. 

“They went above and beyond,” she explains. “They invited my husband over for dinners, organized celebrations for my daughter’s Sweet Sixteen and even accompanied her to the DMV for her driver’s license. They also regularly checked in on my parents. It all meant so much.” 

Similar to Michelle’s experience, Lauren’s family needed support during her divorce, but with no family in the area and radio silence from the few friends she had, she relied on babysitters when work or an illness (she had an overnight hospital stay early on) were the priority. 

While being there for friends during a medical crisis or major loss may seem intuitive, extending support through a divorce may not be as obvious. But divorce is also a traumatic and challenging event, plus it’s often stigmatizing. 

Because Lauren had school-age children, she had to quickly learn how to navigate single parenting, including showing up for her kids even when she was emotionally drained from her hostile legal battle. Sometimes, the last thing she wanted to do after a long and intense day in court was cook dinner for her children. 

Getting together with her new circle of friends helped her family make it through the difficult times.

“We’d all meet at someone’s house, moms and kids, and order food. The kids, who were different ages and genders, never talked about divorce together. It was an unspoken understanding that allowed them to ‘get’ each other and have fun. This gave us a break from the stress and trauma of divorce. We’d all experienced the stigma of divorce, but on those nights, we laughed a lot; they were essential for our families.”

Brown says divorce affects everyone in different ways, and it often resembles a grieving process where there are good and bad days, depending on what phase they’re in.

“Divorce has phases,” Brown explains, “Parents and children need to cope and become accustomed to a new way of living. It will take time, but a strong support system is a great way to move through in a healthy manner.”

Support their mental health 

Reaching out regularly (see above) is also a great way to make sure your friend’s or loved one’s mental health is stable. While they may say “fine” when you ask them how they’re doing, if you’re communicating regularly, you’ll notice a difference in the tone of their voice or the things they discuss. 

If they just don’t seem like themselves and you’re concerned they may be struggling with anxiety or depression, your role is not to assure them that things will be okay or try to make their situation better. 

Being a friend to someone during a crisis requires a healthy dose of honesty and trust, validating their feelings and experiences, patience and compassion. And it’s important to recognize when it’s time to get professionals involved.

“When someone is going through a mental health crisis, they are in an unsteady mental place,” says Brown.

“Friendships allow for difficult conversations, but friends are not mental health professionals. And you can say that. Be honest and tell a friend what you think they may need.”

But approach the topic with care, using “I” statements, like “I’m concerned about you.” Or ask them if they would consider trying therapy. Don’t lecture, blame or attack them. Show empathy and concern for their well-being. 

If, at any point, you are concerned for their immediate safety or believe they’ve harmed themselves, you may need to ask the direct question, “Do you feel like harming yourself or someone else?” If the answer is yes, then call 9-1-1. 

If you believe they need to speak with a professional but aren’t in danger, then encourage them to call 9-8-8 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) for live and confidential support or text the word “HelpLine” to 62640 to text with someone from the National Alliance of Mental Health (NAMI). 

Sending food, flowers or gifts

If your friend or loved one has a large support system or just isn’t open to receiving direct support, you may want to show your love by sending food. Relieving them of the chore of making dinner is often the best and most helpful gift you could give to them. 

If someone started a meal train, sign up for it. Otherwise, be mindful that others may be dropping off food, too, so find out who is coordinating the effort and plan accordingly. Your sick friend doesn’t need multiple trays of lasagna in her fridge.

Instead of, or in addition to, sending food, you may want to consider brightening their day with  flowers or a thoughtful gift. I often joke that I could open a shop with the volume of candles, fuzzy socks and tea I received during my recovery. Each package brought a huge smile to my face. But if you’re looking for something a bit less common, perhaps some of the personal, unique gifts I received will inspire your search:

• A beautiful robe. Mine was cotton and adorned with a seersucker pattern. I’m a sucker for stripes, so this made my day.
• A personalized sweatshirt or other comfortable piece of clothing. I received one from Lingua Franca reading “Best in Class,” which was a funny phrase the hospital doctors used when referring to me. 
• A bowl of succulents, because I have a black thumb.

A gift certificate to a local spa that I could enjoy when I felt better.

• A jar of pickles and a jar of sauerkraut because they are loaded with natural probiotics, and they were my recovery snack of choice.

Ultimately, whatever you send, whether it’s food, flowers or gifts, it will be greatly appreciated. Your thoughtfulness will mean a lot as they deal with their trauma. 

Make it meaningful 

Whether it’s lending an ear, spending quality time together or diving headfirst into practical tasks, show up in a way that will help them. During my health journey, every act of kindness was meaningful and transformative for me, and they have stayed with me even now that I’m fully recovered.

So, don’t just stay on the sidelines—be that guiding light in their darkness. Let your actions show them they’re not alone in their struggles. Your genuine compassion and steadfast support will make a lasting impact.

*Names changed to protect their privacy.

This article was published in the May/June 2024 print edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.

When you need support, look for this app

Eloise Bune  and Karine Nissim bonded over the sudden deaths of their spouses and helped each other cope with their new realities. During their journey together, they came to realize the lack of resources available to help people through a crisis. 

So they decided to use their lived experiences and shared backgrounds in technology to develop DayNew, an app to help people through life-changing situations. The launch is scheduled for this May.

“DayNew is a community-designed app to help people through life changing events, such as the loss of loved ones, medical illness or divorce,” explains Bune. 

It’s centered around three kinds of support they believe are necessary for those facing life-altering events:

Organizational support with checklists to help you organize your life in the midst of the inevitable brain fog that comes with trauma. 

Emotional support in the form of therapy-based writing prompts to help you process your emotions. 

Social support through the DayNew community, which will match users with others experiencing similar circumstances.

Local food gifts

During my health struggle, I received food in countless ways. Some friends ordered my favorite takeout or sent a GrubHub gift card, some delivered a homemade meal and some got creative, sending me special treats from local businesses. I loved every food gift I received. If you’re looking to give the gift of food, here are some of my favorite locally-based gift ideas:   

Ladle of Love soup basket 

A beloved Westchester institution, Ladle of Love has locations in Mount Kisco and Bronxville. Their soup basket is filled with some of their best selling soups made from consciously-sourced ingredients. I think Ladle’s ‘Harvest Celebration,’ made with butternut squash, sweet potatoes & apples, is the GOAT, so for me, this is the ultimate feel-better gift.

Speciality foods 

If they love food, treat them to a gourmet experience. I personally recommend the tuna carpaccio from Mount Kisco Seafood, a prosciutto and mozzarella platter from Uncle Giuseppe’s in Yorktown, the chocolate chip cookies from Beascakes Bakery in Armonk or the truffles from La Tulipe in Mount Kisco.

A cheese & bites board

Sometimes, when someone is healing, they don’t want a large meal. They’d rather pick on small bites, like the ones offered by Bedford’s graze New York. I’m partial to a beautiful charcuterie presentation, and graze never disappoints. Their boards are versatile and can include homemade nibbles, like tea sandwiches and deviled eggs, in addition to the usual cheese and crackers.