Power and Control

Writing by Ava Fleisher

Artwork by Justin Negard

According to the CDC, one in four women and one in seven men will face domestic violence of some kind in their lifetime. But what is domestic violence?

 The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) defines it as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship,” and it remains an ongoing issue in our communities. 

Also referred to as intimate partner violence, domestic violence does not discriminate; it can happen to anyone. While many people assume that it’s more prevalent in low-income homes, Robi Schlaff, the director of the Westchester County Office for Women, says that in Westchester, domestic violence-related homicides have occurred in very affluent families with high incomes and net worths. 

No matter the income or gender, abusers always have one thing in common: they hold power over their partner, which is often incredibly difficult for people outside the relationship—friends, extended family, the court system—to recognize. With domestic violence, what happens behind closed doors is usually in stark contrast to their public persona, and it can leave individuals and families physically, emotionally and financially damaged. 

Types of domestic violence

“People think of domestic violence as physical, but there’s also emotional abuse and economic control, and they are just as damaging,” explains Schlaff. 

Veronica Lopez, a domestic violence high-risk counselor and advocate at Hope’s Door, a Westchester-based organization dedicated to helping victims, adds that she often works with people who have experienced verbal and psychological abuse, both of which fall under emotional abuse, as well as sexual, spiritual and digital abuse. 

“We see intersections of these different types of abuse all the time,” she says. “Physical, emotional and verbal abuse often work closely together, and financial abuse is used almost every single time because the abusers create situations where victims become financially dependent on them.”  

This financial stress can then make it more difficult for victims to leave their partners and/or seek help, increasing the risk of further abuse. Once a victim does leave and seeks independence, Schlaff says abusers will often use litigation as a form of abuse, taking their victims to court numerous times, which can be financially and emotionally draining. 

“We need to change the way the family court system handles family violence,” she says. “If the abuser has money, they can often control and direct the way the case goes, and often, women and children are the ones who suffer.”

What you should look out for

The Westchester County Office for Women created a list they’ve dubbed “The 6 S’s” to identify some of the most common forms of abuse. They are:

• change in socio-economic status
• separation (isolation)
• sexual assault 
• stalking
• strangulation
• suicidal threats or attempts. 

“When you look at domestic violence homicides, 70 percent of victims have been strangled,” Schlaff states. She also adds that most of these victims experience other types of physical abuse before the homicide occurs. 

At Hope’s Door, staff use something called the Power and Control Wheel, developed in Duluth, MN, in the 1980s and widely used throughout the country. It helps clients identify and understand the various forms of abuse they’ve experienced. This circular chart is divided into eight internal sections, each listing subtle tactics an abuser will repeatedly use to gain and maintain power and control over their partner. 

Isolation, for example, can include controlling what the victim does, who they see or speak to, what they read, where they go and their level of community involvement; then they use jealousy as justification for this tactic. 

Another example is economic control, such as withholding money or preventing employment, as a way to harness power over a partner.  The Westchester County Office for Women points out that issues like addiction, depression, anxiety and familial problems are escalating factors. 

And while these tactics and others listed in the Power and Control Wheel might seem obvious, what makes domestic violence particularly difficult for family and friends to detect is the abuser’s public persona. The Westchester County Office for Women says they may appear to be “charismatic” or “pillars in the community” who can easily present as more stable and less dangerous to the court or anyone else suspicious of domestic violence. 

Their charming persona makes it even harder for victims to achieve justice and safety, trapping them in a revolving cycle of isolation and violence. They often fear they won’t be believed if they speak out against their seemingly loving partner, which makes leaving their abusive partners even more challenging. 

Technology’s and social media’s role

Schlaff says she has noticed a concerning increase in certain types of abuse among teenagers and college-aged young adults, which she believes is due to certain dangerous social media trends and content that directly or indirectly promotes violent behaviors in intimate relationships. Specifically, she says sexual choking, or strangulation, an already common and very dangerous type of physical abuse, has become more common among the college students she’s worked with. 

Lopez adds that, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 43 percent of college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating behaviors.

“Additionally, social media and technology have created a lack of boundaries that give abusers easy ways to harass their victims by excessively texting and calling their victim or threatening them over social media posts,” she explains. “It can put young people in real danger.”  

She says she has seen abusers use private, often explicit, pictures shared via messaging apps to harass their victims. In fact, she says that, according to a 2021 study, 76 percent of teens have been digitally harassed by someone they’re dating, and it can look like their account was hacked or they might receive malicious messages.

Leaving: It’s just not that easy

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “survivors of abuse return to their abusive partners an average of seven times before they leave for good.” 

“Many times people ask victims, ‘Why don’t you just leave?’ but there are so many factors around that, like finances, which is a big one because this person may be financially dependent on their abuser and may not have access to money or a job,” explains Lopez. 

Some victims may fear for their physical safety and even their lives if they leave their abusive partners, and, unfortunately, their concerns are valid. The most dangerous period of time for a victim is immediately before and after they leave because their abuser, who thrives on power and control, is faced with losing that power and control.  

Another, perhaps surprising, roadblock victims face when considering leaving is their love for their abuser, according to Lopez and The Westchester County Office for Women. 

“A lot of people have a misconception that when you’re being abused, there’s no love, but that’s not really right,” says Lopez. “It’s a case-by-case basis, and everyone is different, but love is a factor as well.” 

Love isn’t the only emotional attachment that might prevent the victim from leaving. According to the Westchester Office County for Women, “chronic interpersonal trauma in which the victim is strongly dependent on the abuser based on underlying fear” is another. This connection, known as a trauma bond, can reinforce the unbalanced power dynamic in the relationship; it often thrives off of “a schedule of intermittent rewards and punishments,” further controlling the victim and keeping them stuck in the cycle of abuse. 

Lopez explains, “It’s important for people to know that if they’re going through domestic violence or they know someone who’s going through it, that there are others going through it as well and that there are assistance and resources out there to help.”

Last year, Hope’s Door counseled and offered safety planning support to 602 victims, responded to 1,481 hotline callers and accepted 431 police referrals for victims assessed to be at high risk for homicide.

To read other Connecting with Your Mental Health articles, click here.

This article was published in the September/October 2024 edition of Connect to Northern Westchester.

How you can help

“If you see domestic violence and you want to help, you should try to be as non-judgmental as possible,” Lopez recommends. 

She says that when approaching a possible victim, you should also consider when and where it’s safe to mention domestic violence, which is likely not when the other partner is present. And if you’re not sure what to say or how to say it, confidential hotlines (both Hope’s Door and the Westchester County Office for Women have hotlines) can help you strategize on how to get through to your friend or loved one. 

“It’s always about just being there for [the victim],” Lopez explains. “Help them think about a safety plan and tell them, ‘You can call me. You can come to me. I’m a safe place.’ And don’t confront the abuser directly. That’s not only dangerous for you, but it’s actually dangerous for the victim, too.” 

Need help?

Hope’s Door

888.438.8700

hopesdoorny.org

Westchester County Office for Women

914.995.5972

914.995.2099 (after hours & weekends)

women.westchestergov.com

National Domestic Violence Hotline

800.799.SAFE (7233)

Text “START” to 88788