Dear Luz #2

It’s official – John is out and Luz is in! Our new advice columnist, local comedian Luz Michelle, is here to solve all your problems, big and small. And she does it all with her signature combination of humor and empathy.

Dear Luz,

I know that grownups usually write in, but I need your help! My dad *thinks* he can sing, but he can’t! He walks around the house singing all kinds of things, even opera, and he has the worst voice. I always tell him to stop, and I even put my hands over my ears, but that just makes him sing louder! It’s so embarrassing when friends are over. How do I get my dad to stop singing?

– My ears are bleeding

Dear Bleeding Ears,

First of all, ask away my young scribe. I absolutely love and appreciate questions from humans of all ages. Regarding your dad, do what many kids of annoying parents (and parents of annoying kids) have done before: take these embarrassing moments and turn them into social media gold! Start a TikTok page with your dad and share him/his terrible singing with the world. You never know what may come of it – a TV show, sponsorship opportunities, an invitation to America’s Got Talent…

More importantly, as someone who lost their dad at a young age, cherish these awkward, silly and possibly painful moments. His singing may drive you insane now, but it will be one of the things you remember most. And while you likely won’t realize it now, you will treasure these memories forever. Sniff, sniff… who’s crying? I’m not crying, you’re crying! Now go hug your dad tight and get that iPhone camera ready.

Dear Luz,

My husband needs hearing aids, but he’s too stubborn to admit it. While it can be nice sometimes (I can say things about him without him knowing), it’s often very frustrating. I know our friends are annoyed too, but they’re too polite to say anything. How do I get him to suck up his pride and make that appointment?

– Tired of shouting

Dear Tired,

You and my husband are kindred spirits. My husband says the same thing about me! But between us, I recently had my hearing checked and, clinically speaking, I hear fine. I apparently have what’s called “selective hearing” … just please don’t tell my husband!

While actual hearing loss is never a joking matter, you can still have some fun while making your point. Because, candidly, no one wants to hear “You’re losing your hearing ol’ man!”

Next time you have a conversation – pantomime! Gesticulate with your hands and mouth the words, but don’t make any sound. Or, put the TV on at a very low volume. He’ll either be content with the peace and quiet or it’ll frustrate him enough to make that appointment.

Alternatively, you could get yourself a good megaphone and bring it everywhere! That way, your man (and everyone else within a quarter mile radius) will hear you. It’ll be fun, and you’ll appear loving and supportive. It is all about the win-win, amirite? Can I get an Amen?! A what??? An A…oh, never mind.

Dear Luz,

I love fashion – there’s no comparison to the high you get when buying the latest trends and wearing them for the first time. When I worked, I could support my fashionable wardrobe. But now that I’m a stay-at-home mom, I’ve gone into debt! I can’t imagine wearing last season’s clothes, much less shopping consignment – being trendy is just who I am. My husband says it’s ridiculous that I want to go back to work to support my shopping habit. Am I wrong to choose fashion over staying at home with my kids?

– Slave to fashion

Dear Slave,

All I want to know is what size are you? I’m totally fine wearing last season’s clothes and will gladly absolve you of those old schmattas that are soooo 2022 and cluttering your closet.

Shopping does trigger endorphins and dopamine, so it’s easy to see why you crave the latest and greatest. For some of us, the cure to an awful day is a new dress or pair of shoes – or both. So, if you’re able to return to work, still contribute to the family and achieve a healthy balance of retail therapy, then I say get that resume ready, mama! In my book, this is a win-win for everyone. Happy wife, happy life, right?

Now if you get to the point where you’re hiding receipts and shopping bags in the laundry room, in the trunk, in the shed, in the basement (I mean who hasn’t?), then it’s time to reevaluate. Till then, go get that money honey and buy yourself this season’s latest looks.

Dear Luz,

Happy 2023! I hope this year is your best year yet! Speaking of, I’m making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight and eat healthy. New year, new you, right? But I’ve made this resolution before, and after two or three weeks, I’m back to my old ways. How do I stick to my resolutions?

– Committed to making a change

Dear Committed,

Happy New Year, girl! We have all been down this road and back more times than we care to admit. The thing to remember is no one makes good decisions at midnight – amiright? Therefore, my best advice is to wait until after midnight and then declare: “I’m not losing a damn pound this year!” Now, you’ll have an achievable goal. And when in doubt, bust out those SPANX that have been sitting in your closet since your pre-pandemic/pre-spandex days, and you’re good to go, girl! Work it! Happy 2023!

Disclaimer: It’s okay to laugh – this is a humor column! We welcome your Dear Luz questions, but we’re legally obligated to say this is not a substitute for real advice by professionals.

This article was published in the January/February 2023 print edition of Katonah Connect.